Monday, August 1, 2005

I decided to come home last night & sleep in my own bed...ahhh...comfort. This morning, after dropping Amanda off at Auntie Heathers, I headed to the hospital, arriving about 10:30. Jacob was already hooked up to his 2nd Video EEG that will test his brain activity for the next 24 hours. This means, no holding him until tomorrow. After visiting with him for a while, I headed down to the cafeteria for some food, then I headed to my room & took a 3 hour nap...ahhh sleep! About 3pm the phone rang, Celeste came by to visit...and she brought me Sweet Cream & Strawberry Ice Cream from Cold Stone Creamery....YUM!!! Chris & Colleen arrived within the hour & we all visited in my room for a bit. Felt good to have a bit of laughter as Colleen relived her birth experience with having Parker, who weighed a whopping 12 lbs!
Kevin went back to work today, so it was just me & Jacob, although with all the visitors this afternoon I was far from by myself! Jen & Nikki also stopped by about 5:30 just after Kevin got there.
Jacob had a pretty relaxed day. He finally had a massive poop throughout the night, I'm sure he's feeling better now! He did have some desaturations today (not getting enough oxygen). In most cases I think it was because he had some secretions building up in the back of his throat that he wasn't swallowing. Once they were cleared away, he tended to do better.
He did appear to have a few seizures today, one while I was there that lasted only about 5-10 sec, from what I could visually see. I just happened to have the camera in hand while it was happening, so I got a picture of him (see below). We'll know for sure what's going on when we receive the results of the Video EEG tomorrow.

Oh...I almost forgot; he's now tolerating 40 cc's of food every 3 hours & no longer has an IV!! The IV they started yesterday was going bad this morning so they just decided that since he was so close to getting his target amount, the decision was made to discontinue the IV...yippee!
Kevin & I are holding up fairly well, sort of. I definitely have my moments of strength & weakness, the latter more often. I don't think there will be a wall going up this time around, emotions are flowing & there's no stopping it. I can't put up a front that all is ok & I'm this superwomen/mom that everyone thinks I am, although flattering, I don't think it's the 'image' I'll be portraying this go around. "This go around"...never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be saying that.
Those that haven't been through this with us before, are grasping at what appears to be a lot of positives, I can't help but stay a pessimist & just wait for some miraculous day to come along where it's all really true & great. I want to be positive, just can't seem to find it in me, not to mention how angry I am at God. It's pretty hard to hang on to your faith when all you want to do is strangle Him.

Anyways, that's my emotional state...physically I'm doing great. Don't really feel like I just had a baby! Delivery went very well & fast (thank goodness!) All I wanted at the time was to get him OUT! Now all I want is to have him back in mama's womb; where I can protect him...protect him from the IV's, drugs, wires, tubes, pokes, etc. Dang it...I HATE THIS...WHY is this happening again??????? argggg
Overall Status: Good Day
Visitors: Celeste, Chris, Colleen, Jen & Nikki
Having what appears to be a seizure.
Relaxed after Seizure
Video EEG in the background
My Little Space with Video EEG in foreground.
Another view of My Little Space

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